This city is so fast paced. People here know that there is just enough time in the day to accomplish everything they need to. But only if they walk, drive, talk, and think at 100mph. Everyone in this city is anonymous. I assume that’s why I like it here. You would like it here too. Probably for the same reasons you liked Hollywood. Every morning you have the chance to reinvent yourself, and no one would ask why or belittle you. Dreams in cities like these are mirages of goals. Some days I walk along these streets and feel like I’m following some invisible footsteps of yours. Guiding me to buildings and to people that you would have liked to know at my age.
Besides my hair, my eyes and my voice, you gave me your restlessness. And some days I step outside and am overwhelmed with the oneness I feel with you. Not all of the time. But on some days, when the wind hits me just right, I close my eyes and know that the freedom I feel and the excitement in my soul came from you. And I imagine that at some point in your life, you walked outside and the wind hit your face just right, and you felt the exact same way.
I’ve lived a life that has been divided between chasing after your dreams, hoping that if i succeeded at what you should’ve, it would some how save us both from your destruction. And trying to stay as far away from your aspirations as possible; In fear I would become you. But now I find myself here, where your dreams and mine collide. And I am starting to see that our dreams weren’t as different as I thought, or at least hoped.
It would be convenient for me to say that you have done nothing of merit in my life. And in so many ways that is undeniably true. But with every year of my life that passes, I’m starting to understand that every negative effect you have had in my life is part of such a greater whole.
I am not sure if you will ever experience all of the things you wanted to in your lifetime, or touch as many lives as you would have hoped. But I have finally come to a place in my life where I am no longer apprehensive over what you may or may not succeed at in your life. Purely because I know it’s time to start living my own.
Though some day when you reflect back on your life and question what purpose you held on this Earth, I hope you are reminded of this:
Since the day I was born, I have been following your invisible footsteps. And they have lead me to people and places and feelings that some people only get to dream about. Those footsteps have helped people that could never repay me and lead me straight to people that I will forever be indebted to. Whether it has been because of the right you have done or the wrong, I have been following your lead this entire way. You may not have set a good example for me or taught me all of the things you should have, but I will still celebrate this day in thanks of you, because you are one half of me. And if it were not for the dreams that you are imprisoned by today, I would not have chased mine.
Thank you for your restlessness. Thank you for your recklessness. And thank you for always reminding me to let the wind carry me, taking me where it may. If nothing else remarkable comes from your life, I hope you stand firm, knowing that your blood still runs through me.
Happy Birthday Dad.